The most interesting of phrases (and a pretty iconic throwback title to my teenage years). Theres the time after “that” time and then the feeling that time repeats itself. Both are right and have separate meanings. I have been noticing recently how fast it seems to go though. My kids are growing like weeds, getting taller, lankier and sassier by the day. Growing in maturity too, which makes me nostalgic for those baby sounds and snuggles. I remember when they were really tiny how slow the hours ticked by, and here we are, years later in the blink of an eye. And its tricky navigating the emotions of a nine and six year old. One of the trickiest parenting skills for me thus far.
One year ago, we said the last goodbye to our Dad, Father-in-Law, Grandpa, Husband, Brother, Uncle and Friend. It’s been a year of welcoming new life, literally and figuratively, great accomplishment and finding comfort in a new normal. Also three hundred and sixty-five days of not knowing which way is up.
One year. I don’t know why “one year” to those that are grieving should be like some magic number. One minute, one hour, or one year really doesn’t matter when you’ve lost your dearly beloved for the remainder of your own lifetime. The one year anniversary does however, mark an important opportunity. To recognize how fast, fleeting and fickle time can really be. It’s the only thing in life that’s truly irreplaceable. You can’t turn it back, wish it away or stop it for even a split second. It just keeps marching on. (And like a line from my favorite movie, “Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it’s marchin’ across your face.” Dolly Parton, Steel Magnolias)
I just know Al would be so proud of all of the things we’ve accomplished over this past year, just like he was up until his very last breath. And while we all want to be able to turn back the hands of time, it’s been nothing short of miraculous to witness Al’s presence in almost everything we do or see or feel.
Early on when Miles and Maddie were struggling to make sense of this, I told them that cardinals are a sign that someone from heaven is watching over them. Through, what felt like 137 days of January this winter, and beyond, we had the brightest, most robust cardinal take up residence at our bird feeders, and he brought all his friends. It was amazing to see all the red against the winter white and dull gray. I hope they never stop thinking of him whenever they see those striking scarlet creatures.
And the rainbows. In all of (my almost) 40 years of life, I have never experienced something quite as breathtaking and magical with the frequency and intensity as every rainbow we’ve witnessed. Starting with the one he threw up over his own wake and funeral. Every single rainbow in the past year has stopped me in my tracks. I have run across the yard like a crazy person, camera in hand, yelling for the kids and Dale to “come see this!!” Our entire family has become trained to be on the lookout moments after a rain shower. And I love that it’s another natural symbol of our beloved Mr. Middleton.
I find myself praying to him for rain, or for the rain to let up, or for good dirt, or clarity in my head when things seem upside down. While I wish I could have asked for all of those things while he was here, I am not sure I would have. And that’s something I personally struggle with.
If the only thing ‘one year’ provides us is a not-so gentle reminder of, it’s to tell the people that you love, that you love them. Hug your kids and your parents a little tighter and a little longer. Go for a walk, read a book, work on your tractor, eat a piece of bread. Do what you love and do it forever.
I’ll leave you with Cyndi Lauper.
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion--
Is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after--
Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time
After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows--you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time--
If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time
You said go slow--I fall behind
The second hand unwinds--
If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time...
Time after time...
Time after time...
Time after time...
xoxo,
katy